I was 19 when I decided to focus on myself.
Of course it is scary to suddenly start focusing on what you can can’t when you are so used to being told what to do and how to act to prove your decency.(*I will call ”him” ”them” because he was everyone in my world at that time)I was so used to thinking about them first that I did not know if it was right to consider myself first in any kind of situation.
After he left I was kind of lost because I was not sure if it was right to not worry if someone else had a good night’s sleep first thing in the morning.I was not sure if I deserved a Good morning Gorgeous for myself without anyone except my reflection saying it back to me.
I started experimenting with things in order to know myself better,some made me a better person some made me learn more about myself.I also started photography,no training ,no dslr,no training but just something to keep my mind off everyone else (including me)
I got terrible comments from most people in the beginning,like how I was following the trend ,how a girl just takes black and white photo of a chair and guys consider her a PHOTOGRAPHER because she is hot.(Was I just supposed to keep the you are hot part with myself I don’t know)I also got the ”You just know how to use photoshop well” comment but in fact I do not know how to use any photo editing program except for picasa which I just use for the watermark and then a usual monochrome.
I was kind of afraid to show my facebook page based on photography to people..but then it was a conversation starter.I would always start with ”would you please mind checking this page called Captured Moments@R.Shrestha,I am sorry I am not a pro but I am trying to just see how far I can go.Please do not laugh”
Most of the people would say ”sure :)” I would get a like in a minute and then I would not hear from them again.Some people who I had never met supported me so much I was shocked at how supportive strangers could be sometimes (You know who you are ..you restored my faith in humanity).
And then out of nowhere while I was doing the usual conversation starting to this senior I just met in this university his reply left me startled.
”Who am I to laugh at you?”
”No I mean I am not someone very good at it ,I am just doing this because I want to see where I can go later with this.”
”You think people will laugh at you for trying?’
”Well..I have been laughed at for being this silly person who is not being original and following the trend to be a photographer.”
”That is shameful.”
I could not say anything after that and he continued.
”People’s true character is seen just by observing what they laugh at..it is a shame that those people laughed at you for you attempting to do things you were not before..I am sorry you had to meet retards who do not understand the true meaning of living and think that experimenting is an excuse not to define yourself but let me tell you something little one,you are young and you are allowed to try and try and fall down and make a complete fool out yourself…just try not to hurt people while doing so…I know you will make it somehow..”
He still reads my work and reviews my photographs,he criticises it too helps me grow.
I don’t think I would have had the confidence to continue with my photography experiment if it was not for him.It is true that now I have a dslr..but I still do not know how to edit photos…I still beleive that its never the camera but the eye for moments that matters.Life would not be life if you do not have room for living..living would not be living if you did not let yourself do things you have not done before.
So the next time you hear someone laughing at someone else’s dream…you know who is stupid don’t you?
Also,I don’t call ”them” ”him” anymore I know for sure that assuming everyone is the same is 10 steps closer to stupidity.I focus on myself and improvement and NO that is not being selfish or being vain.
After all the only way to sincerely appreciate others is to appreciate yourself.