For me the letter L begins light words like love and ends heavy hearted names like yours .And I began this article with a random alphabet because just like life nothing really is synchronised with your hustle.Though your name still brings a lump on my throat and lingers on my tongue but never reaches my lips these days I still hope your life is filled with laughter ❤️.
Love for me was the way Gatsby looked at Daisy,I had decided at 21 that the day I meet someone who looks at me the same way would be the love of my life .Who knew love was made up of loose chains that could be broken and lost in the blink of an eye. The alphabet “L ” itself is highly deceiving (just like your face ) you think it’s going to be a straight line but then when capitalised and made important it takes a turn and doesn’t come back.(just like you didn’t )
Most days (if not always ) I fill my lungs and heart with smoke in order to forget that you live in the whole of it ,Maybe my ribcages caged you so much that you needed to leave.
Lies that’s what you were made up of and I whole heartedly beleived you because I thought you were the face of love .Lovers do not fake promise .they don’t tell their lovers that they will last forever and leave when they actually need to be there.
Now I have replaced the word l-o-v-e with L-u-s-t .No one is allowed beyond my body anymore .Im terribly mad at you for not letting me have my faith in love and breaking it up .Please don’t give someone a key chain ring as their engagement ring and give them lies as gifts and make love meaningless …..not everyone will try to put them in your shoes to understand your perspective .
Also the letter l spells liquor which has been a life saver since I decided I needed to leave .I feel I’m 70% above wine haha (I only drink Chardonnay )
You know what ….in a few years when you listen to the songs I used to send you as our wedding playlist by mistake you will think of me …..and wonder where I am .. Just to realise I had always been there fighting against everything I learnt and knew to be with you ,to make you my truth but then you chose to be my life’s biggest lie .
For you I went against everything my life stood for and then you just gave me lies for hope and taught me that hope could actually murder more dreams than keep them alive .Oh how painful it was to watch the land I stood on slip away beneath me and live on the false hopes you loaned me and made me pay with every single emotion I knew .Men like you don’t deserve love because you don’t really feel what it means you try to understand it and that’s where you lost.
For me L will define you as a looser because if I was the one who lost I would have lost someone who decided that I was the centre of the universe and I was worth everything….but well it was you who did.