I promised myself in 2016 that I would always keep track of my emotions and mental well being.Instead of the usual resolutions I would make a to be and not to be list and compare how much I have grown and how much I learnt in the past year.
TO BE :
1.Mindful.
Vipassana might not have given be nirvana like other people claim it does.I did not become enlightened and not do you see my eyes calm.However it made me realise the importance of being my own friend.I liked how guruji said that no one was going to do anything for you and you were here on your own.After a few years away from home coming back here I misplaced the essence of who I was in the expectations people had of me.Well it is good to misplace things once in awhile because you will be more careful later on.
So vipassana was a great way to realise the value of my breath and how I just had to look within in order to find the calm.I like how by the end of 2016 I became more aware of my actions and words.I like how affirmative I became and actually started paying attention to myself.I plan to be mindful and thoughtful and more empathetic.
2.Kind.
The year 2015 was a huge wake- up call for me.It hit me like a safa tempo filled with people (considering the fact that I have been hit by one)and made me realise where I actually came from.It shook my perspective of life and what and who I was and what was it that I wanted.From working as a digital marketer to being a teacher to going to Europe and learning german I did everything.The whole process of being lost and unsure had demoralised me and startled my confidence.I had a lot of sleepless nights and I cried so so so much for not knowing what I could have done to make myself feel better.
2016 was a drag,I took all the bitterness and heaviness I had inside of me along me.It was a year that was punished for things that it did not even do in the first place like all brown women who have tried to stand up for themselves.I did not know that in the whole process of discovering things I was so cyinical about life and I had forgotten that the first person you should be kind to is yourself.I was sincerely trying my best to be kind to people around me but I might have been as effective because I was not kind to myself.Almost two years of self loathing and self hate turned to show up on my skin in forms of pimples and darkness under my eyes.SO towards the end of 2016 I promised myself it would never again be about a boy but me.My skin actually glows with the care and pampering I do for myself.
Kindness is the key
3.Free from Expectations.
I had started measuring myself on the scale of other people’s expectations in the initial months that I returned to Nepal.It eventually became a habit that turned my smile upside down and left me with a reflection that was starting to disown be because of the dissapointments caused.
April 2016 taught me so many lessons by turning my worst nightmares into a reality that left me with a terribly broken and unmendable heart and an almost transparent soul that was colorless.Whatever I dreamt of turned into ghosts that haunted me and made me run away from everyone I loved.My relationship with my freinds and family degraded but I never failed to put up a selfie with a smile and a good filter on instagram.I stopped being honest with myself because I was never able to do what I was expected to do.I started expecting from myself what others expected me to do and be and oh my was that horrible so now 2017 would be the year where I actually implement what I learnt from Mark Manson’s book ‘The subtle art of not giving a fuck’.
Bye bye expectations hello new experiences!
4.More careful about what I eat.
The amount of times I got ill in 2016 I think I never did in my entire life.I spent a lot of days in my bed.I was getting over a heartbreak and was too much to handle that I stress ate a lot.Most of my money went on food.Most of the times I ate recklessly.I once finished a one pound cake myself to celebrate being single but honestly I just needed an excuse to eat cake.I was not happy breaking up with someone I thought I was going to make babies with.
I think I got sick most of the times because of careless eating so this year I will be careful of what I eat totally.I might seem like a picky eater but then you are not what you seem to be most of the times.
…… to be continued because I am sleepy.ok bye
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